(no subject)
Oct. 20th, 2004 03:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pyxaronFirst, this is nothing more than semi-random thinking. Not depressive, not feeling bad, not a request for "no, we like you *hugs*", nothing of that.
Also, written on the PDA. Expect typos.
Ok, now that this has been said...
It's funny how my mind still thinks. I just't can't even imagine that people would chose to be with me, talk with me or do anything with me when something else is availible. It's weird, i don't think that this is true, but for some reason, my brain doesn't want to accept it. I'm always the disposeable guy in the background, the one people turn to when they have nothing else left, and who will get left there once people find something else.
And as stupid as it might seem, my brain seems to want to accept this as my purpose here.
It's stupid, i don't feel bad because of this anymore. But on the other side, i still feel that since "this is what i am", it is not my place to start a conversation, call people or make the first contact in any way. I feel like if i wasn't allowed to do anything more than stay in my place and wait for people to come.
It's getting annoying, since i feel that i'm no longer just the backup weirdo in the background for some people. That still doesn't make my mind accept this, and i still often almost wonder why they're "wasting" time on me and not trying to get more from life like everyone else. But this is annoying, since i feel this might make people think i have no interest in them at the same time. Which would lead to the same forever repetitive story, of people leaving me as the backup person when nobody "better" is there.
It's kinda funny how this affects partially the dragon thing. It's hard to justify to myself being something so much bigger while i could be less. My mind tells me that me wanting it isn't enough, since it's "just" me. It's like if i had to justify being alive even as a human. I'm not pushing this body to the extreme limit, so why would i deserve a better one?
Sometime i almost wonders if doesn't work like this. But it would suck if it did...
If you consider the dragon stereotype, it would be really weird if it did. That would be a nice logic stupidity.
That makes me think of something else, about how "good" people will follow blindly too many rules because they're the law, to avoid thinking and being responsible for the consequences.
This is really annoying.
It feels too much like if this world was getting too automated. This is very annoying. Yes, it's good to have constants that will help you make better predictions, but... Bleh. It's just getting a bunch of mixed things where doing the right thing has such a cost that you need to break rules to gain something.
I might be saying somehing obvious or just talking to myself there.
I suddently feel very sarcastic.
... sleepy too. Goodnight.
Also, written on the PDA. Expect typos.
Ok, now that this has been said...
It's funny how my mind still thinks. I just't can't even imagine that people would chose to be with me, talk with me or do anything with me when something else is availible. It's weird, i don't think that this is true, but for some reason, my brain doesn't want to accept it. I'm always the disposeable guy in the background, the one people turn to when they have nothing else left, and who will get left there once people find something else.
And as stupid as it might seem, my brain seems to want to accept this as my purpose here.
It's stupid, i don't feel bad because of this anymore. But on the other side, i still feel that since "this is what i am", it is not my place to start a conversation, call people or make the first contact in any way. I feel like if i wasn't allowed to do anything more than stay in my place and wait for people to come.
It's getting annoying, since i feel that i'm no longer just the backup weirdo in the background for some people. That still doesn't make my mind accept this, and i still often almost wonder why they're "wasting" time on me and not trying to get more from life like everyone else. But this is annoying, since i feel this might make people think i have no interest in them at the same time. Which would lead to the same forever repetitive story, of people leaving me as the backup person when nobody "better" is there.
It's kinda funny how this affects partially the dragon thing. It's hard to justify to myself being something so much bigger while i could be less. My mind tells me that me wanting it isn't enough, since it's "just" me. It's like if i had to justify being alive even as a human. I'm not pushing this body to the extreme limit, so why would i deserve a better one?
Sometime i almost wonders if doesn't work like this. But it would suck if it did...
If you consider the dragon stereotype, it would be really weird if it did. That would be a nice logic stupidity.
That makes me think of something else, about how "good" people will follow blindly too many rules because they're the law, to avoid thinking and being responsible for the consequences.
This is really annoying.
It feels too much like if this world was getting too automated. This is very annoying. Yes, it's good to have constants that will help you make better predictions, but... Bleh. It's just getting a bunch of mixed things where doing the right thing has such a cost that you need to break rules to gain something.
I might be saying somehing obvious or just talking to myself there.
I suddently feel very sarcastic.
... sleepy too. Goodnight.
