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Yes, another one.. I can't sleep, i'm not sure why.
It's kinda funny, im typing without even looking at the screen. It's almost a reflex now, with how often i've done that. I'm wierd. How many people have a computer instead of a table beside their bed.
... place to sleep would be better there. I don't really have a bed.
I think the lack of sleep is almost directly the reason why i'm having so much fun typing random stuff these days. My body is awake and full of energy, but i feel mentally tired. Not really... Mentally slowed down would be more accurate. I don't think i'm less able to think that usual. Less serious, maybe, but i don't feel like if i had been up for 48 hours without sleep. Not really a good thing if i want to work or react fast, but it's kinda interesting. I can type what i think without having to slow down too much to type.
I wonder how people think. It's hard to know. It's the usual "trying to observe a system while being a part of it" problem. If i think, i just think. I don't bother trying to see how i'm organising what i'm thinking about to think about more than one thing at once whitout getting confused, or how i'm linking thoughts together. But if i try to think notice, i'm thinking about how i'm thinking, so i'm not thinking about what i'm normally thinking about. And this goes in circle.
But i wonder how different it is between people. Are there almost one way to think for each person, or is there a dozen of way to think, or is the human brain made in a way that allow only one way of thinking? The last one doesn't seem really probable, but it's still possible. What makes someone think in a particular way? Is it how the brain works, or the information it contains?
Hehe... When i think about it, i'm really not saying much there. There's a lot of text on the screen, but not much that really means something. Random thinking. But it's just a "right now" thing, i don't think that any of what i write really means anything about me. Other than that i think about stuff, say stuff and feel some way.
It's kinda annoying me. I know the answer to what i'm going to say is probably "It's your journal, write whatever you want." But still, i wonder what i should do with it. Aurora told me post more often and longer. I think this is more often and longer. But it's kinda useless to post. Fun, but useless. Maybe even not really a good thing. I'm not sure. I'm really just thinking that stuff mostly as i think it. In some way it's good, since it's putting my thoughts on the screen. It's kinda interesting to re-read later, at least for me, because i can look at how i was thinking at that moment. But it's not only what's on the screen, i think there's always at least two or three other thought process running at the same time. So for someone who isn't in my head, what i'm writing will probably be really different
What i should probably do with this thing is write what i think about things, what i feel about things, what i like or didn't like. More like a review of my life or something. To let people know what i like, what i don't, what i feel about stuff. That would probably be a better "publicity" for me than random unsorted thoughts. But this is far from being as fun to write. On the other side, pretty much the only reason why this is being posted online, other than "someone told me to" is that i want to get some reaction. Not really anything in particular, but just have something happen. It's kinda one of the reason i forgot about that thing so often.
It's kinda weird when i think about it. The reason why i'm writing this is because i want to be able to see later what i was thinking and how my brain was going at that moment. But my motivation is reaction from other people. These two don't really go well together. The way i'm here is not really how the "public" me is. Well, it's close, but not that much. Let's say that two page of text here will be equal to only one or two thing that i would say if someone was there. But even there, i'm not often enough with people who would be willing to listen to random talking to say.
I know i'm like what i'm writing here sometime. I just like that. I don't know what's so fun with saying what you really think even when nobody is listening. I know i like to do that. I go oudoor, somewhere where nobody is, and i just say what i think. I can't count the hours i spent doing that during the winter. I lie down in the snow, i look at the sky, and i say everything i've ever wanted to say.
Maybe it's because it's easier to stay focused on what you're thinking about when you're typing or saying it. Harder to drift in another direction in the middle of a sentence. It's probably that. Maybe also the impact of some things.
A good example of that part would be simply saying "I'm a dragon.". I always found it funny how long it took me before writing or saying it. That's one of the thing i think i'm always going to remember. The first time i said that.
When i think about it, it's a little bit similar in some way to the shyness thing. I spent i don't know how many months searching for a reason WHY i would be a dragon. I knew i wanted to be, i knew how i felt inside, i knew human didn't work. I looked at all these people who were dragons, all the reasons why they were. Dreams, spiritual stuff, past lives, phantom limbs... Lots of things i wasn't sure about.
Then i decided to take the question the other way. WHY NOT. If i can't find a reason to prove to the world that i'm a dragon, can i find one to prove that i am not one? Can't find one either. By the way, being in a human body doesn't count.
I kinda just took it that way. I feel i should be one. I can see myself even more easily as a dragon than i can as a human. I'm a dragon in my dreams. I'm a dragon when i'm tired. I'm a dragon when i'm playing games on the computer. Why should i stop myself from saying that i'm a dragon then? It's saying that i'm human that is hard when i look at it that way. It's just the body that my brain is currently running it, it's not who i am.
... but if i think that way, why do i say that i'm a dragon if the body i'm in doesn't matter? I could say why not there again, but i think i have an answer i like more. Because that's the body that feels right. ... yes, it's not an impressive answer. But anyway. The thing is that i consider myself a little bit like a computer. You install it, you configure it to run on X computer, with X,Y,Z part. To continue with the computer analogy, it's like if you took the data from that computer and put it in another one. It's still going to work, you can do whatever you want on it, but it's still going to be searching for X,Y,Z part. I know that analogy is getting outdated with the improved plug and play of computers, but it's still just an analogy, not supposed to be an identical thing.
Anyway. I'm going to repeat myself... One of the reason why i think i can say that i'm a dragon while at the same time saying that the body i'm in doesn't make me what i am, is that my brain is kinda configured for the dragon body. I might be in a human body now, but my brain is still looking for the parts of the dragon body. I don't hate the human body, i don't think it's ugly, wrong, anything... It's just not what i should be in. I'm not saying either that i should have a dragon body. It would just be the best situation for me. It's the body i think would allow me to be do all what i feel the need to do and be what i need to be. An "If everything was perfect, this is what i would be." thing.
I'm repeating maybe a little bit too much that i don't hate the human body, but that's a little bit because of all the people i see saying that they hate it... To tell the truth, i don't like it that much. But it's far from what people say. A lot of people need to stop complaining about it. You don't have wings. I agree. You can't fly. True. But that doesn't meant that you need to stay glued in front of the computer until you grow wings from the radiations of your monitor. The human body might not be like your draconic one, but it still can do a lot of things. Just go outside, inside somewhere else, anywhere... And just try to push it beyond what you usually do. You'll be surprised.
I kinda end up half-proud of being human because of that sometime. "I will crush the puny humans!" ... sure. Come and i'll show you how easy i am to crush. Maybe that's just me too much in a fighting mood, but i can't stand people who stay there doing nothing but say how great their dragon form is compared to the human form is. Or people calling it a pathetically weak shell...
Sometime i almost wonder if i wouldn't want to stay human when some people get their dragon form, just to show them.... Well, i don't really wonder. But it's kinda fun to think about. The kind of thing that makes you smile in the same way as imagining an annoying customer suddently catch on fire.
Hehe... I think i spontaneously changed the direction i was thinking in. I think i already drifted pretty far from where i was originally going. Anyway ...
Anyway, to get back to the dragon thing, i think the problem is: beef stew.
Yup, it's busted alright.
... stupid strongbad.
It's always annoyingly hard to restart your thought in the direction they were going before you broke it with something stupidly pleasing.
Where was i going already... Not sure. But i'll restart from here.
When i really think about it, saying "I am a dragon" out loud was more symbolic than anything. But it kinda locked my mind in... no, that's not really a good word. Changed the direction it was going? Closer. Locked isn't good. I still try to look at it from other points of view. Anyway, from then i really started thinking as "I'm a dragon." and really believed it, instead of not knowing what i am and attempting to justify calling myself a dragon. And it went weirdly easily from there. It kinda removed a lot of thought that were kinda holding me back. Instead of constantly trying to justify feeling like a dragon, i could just feel it. I'm not sure if i'm putting it into word correctly, since just thinking about it brings back memories that someone reading this probably won't have... Just believe me. Major suddent change.
When trying to look at it from the outside, it looks weird... I think it could be too easily seen as "I wanted to be a dragon for so long that i finally forced it into my mind.". But i don't think this is true. I just changed the way i saw things. That changed a lot of other things too... But i think it was more that i changed my definition of dragon to include me than i changed my definition of me to be a dragon.
That makes me think of something else. Some people try to invalidate their or other people's draconity because they are fan of dragons, or have been reading too much stuff involving dragons, or something like that. I think the problem there is once again that it's seen the wrong way. It's probably more that people saw in the dragon something that they felt was missing, or seemed familiar or something like that. Something close happen with people who start with a dragonform like "Draco" and change progressively. A lot of people call them roleplayers or think that they're fake because they didn't have their own dragonform. It's true that a good number of people who say that they are some known dragon are roleplayers or just trying to be that dragon. But i think a lot of people are discovering their dragonform a little bit like a puzzle.
They see a form that has something that fits with them. They're often not really sure what. But something feels right. So they just take the whole dragonform. So someone could see dragonheart and think they're like draco because they feel like a dragon. But as they see other possibilites, they will find parts that fit better, and progressively change their form to something that is really them. Some things will feel right from the start, some will feel wrong and be replaced, and some will always feel wrong. And at the end you will have a really different dragon.
But one thing that is a little bit annoying with that is that some people will get attached to the first form they see themselve as. If someone roleplays a red and yellow version of Draco that they think is their true self, it's going to get really hard to change once everyone knows them like that. But i guess that's unavoidable, if you don't want to wait until you're sure of what you are before doing anything. I think my shyness kinda helped me with that, since nobody ended up knowing me as a dragon that i wasn't just because i wanted to interact in a RP-ish way.
And on the topic of roleplayers/fake, one thing i noticed really often is that they will focus on one of the aspect associated with the form when they're just playing or doing random stuff in chatroom or other places. I don't know how accurate that is, but it seems that a lot of the dragons who are 5000miles long, or always flying , or using firebreath on everything, or always eating humans, or anything else like that are usually really only saying they're dragons because of that thing they like. And they often get sick of it after a while, and since nothing else with being a dragon interested them, they disappear or think we're all insane.
But they don't really matter. And there are also good RPers that try to act as dragon. But they're usually fun, so who cares.
... and i think i'll give sleep another try now. It's almost 5am.
More random thought later maybe.
It's kinda funny, im typing without even looking at the screen. It's almost a reflex now, with how often i've done that. I'm wierd. How many people have a computer instead of a table beside their bed.
... place to sleep would be better there. I don't really have a bed.
I think the lack of sleep is almost directly the reason why i'm having so much fun typing random stuff these days. My body is awake and full of energy, but i feel mentally tired. Not really... Mentally slowed down would be more accurate. I don't think i'm less able to think that usual. Less serious, maybe, but i don't feel like if i had been up for 48 hours without sleep. Not really a good thing if i want to work or react fast, but it's kinda interesting. I can type what i think without having to slow down too much to type.
I wonder how people think. It's hard to know. It's the usual "trying to observe a system while being a part of it" problem. If i think, i just think. I don't bother trying to see how i'm organising what i'm thinking about to think about more than one thing at once whitout getting confused, or how i'm linking thoughts together. But if i try to think notice, i'm thinking about how i'm thinking, so i'm not thinking about what i'm normally thinking about. And this goes in circle.
But i wonder how different it is between people. Are there almost one way to think for each person, or is there a dozen of way to think, or is the human brain made in a way that allow only one way of thinking? The last one doesn't seem really probable, but it's still possible. What makes someone think in a particular way? Is it how the brain works, or the information it contains?
Hehe... When i think about it, i'm really not saying much there. There's a lot of text on the screen, but not much that really means something. Random thinking. But it's just a "right now" thing, i don't think that any of what i write really means anything about me. Other than that i think about stuff, say stuff and feel some way.
It's kinda annoying me. I know the answer to what i'm going to say is probably "It's your journal, write whatever you want." But still, i wonder what i should do with it. Aurora told me post more often and longer. I think this is more often and longer. But it's kinda useless to post. Fun, but useless. Maybe even not really a good thing. I'm not sure. I'm really just thinking that stuff mostly as i think it. In some way it's good, since it's putting my thoughts on the screen. It's kinda interesting to re-read later, at least for me, because i can look at how i was thinking at that moment. But it's not only what's on the screen, i think there's always at least two or three other thought process running at the same time. So for someone who isn't in my head, what i'm writing will probably be really different
What i should probably do with this thing is write what i think about things, what i feel about things, what i like or didn't like. More like a review of my life or something. To let people know what i like, what i don't, what i feel about stuff. That would probably be a better "publicity" for me than random unsorted thoughts. But this is far from being as fun to write. On the other side, pretty much the only reason why this is being posted online, other than "someone told me to" is that i want to get some reaction. Not really anything in particular, but just have something happen. It's kinda one of the reason i forgot about that thing so often.
It's kinda weird when i think about it. The reason why i'm writing this is because i want to be able to see later what i was thinking and how my brain was going at that moment. But my motivation is reaction from other people. These two don't really go well together. The way i'm here is not really how the "public" me is. Well, it's close, but not that much. Let's say that two page of text here will be equal to only one or two thing that i would say if someone was there. But even there, i'm not often enough with people who would be willing to listen to random talking to say.
I know i'm like what i'm writing here sometime. I just like that. I don't know what's so fun with saying what you really think even when nobody is listening. I know i like to do that. I go oudoor, somewhere where nobody is, and i just say what i think. I can't count the hours i spent doing that during the winter. I lie down in the snow, i look at the sky, and i say everything i've ever wanted to say.
Maybe it's because it's easier to stay focused on what you're thinking about when you're typing or saying it. Harder to drift in another direction in the middle of a sentence. It's probably that. Maybe also the impact of some things.
A good example of that part would be simply saying "I'm a dragon.". I always found it funny how long it took me before writing or saying it. That's one of the thing i think i'm always going to remember. The first time i said that.
When i think about it, it's a little bit similar in some way to the shyness thing. I spent i don't know how many months searching for a reason WHY i would be a dragon. I knew i wanted to be, i knew how i felt inside, i knew human didn't work. I looked at all these people who were dragons, all the reasons why they were. Dreams, spiritual stuff, past lives, phantom limbs... Lots of things i wasn't sure about.
Then i decided to take the question the other way. WHY NOT. If i can't find a reason to prove to the world that i'm a dragon, can i find one to prove that i am not one? Can't find one either. By the way, being in a human body doesn't count.
I kinda just took it that way. I feel i should be one. I can see myself even more easily as a dragon than i can as a human. I'm a dragon in my dreams. I'm a dragon when i'm tired. I'm a dragon when i'm playing games on the computer. Why should i stop myself from saying that i'm a dragon then? It's saying that i'm human that is hard when i look at it that way. It's just the body that my brain is currently running it, it's not who i am.
... but if i think that way, why do i say that i'm a dragon if the body i'm in doesn't matter? I could say why not there again, but i think i have an answer i like more. Because that's the body that feels right. ... yes, it's not an impressive answer. But anyway. The thing is that i consider myself a little bit like a computer. You install it, you configure it to run on X computer, with X,Y,Z part. To continue with the computer analogy, it's like if you took the data from that computer and put it in another one. It's still going to work, you can do whatever you want on it, but it's still going to be searching for X,Y,Z part. I know that analogy is getting outdated with the improved plug and play of computers, but it's still just an analogy, not supposed to be an identical thing.
Anyway. I'm going to repeat myself... One of the reason why i think i can say that i'm a dragon while at the same time saying that the body i'm in doesn't make me what i am, is that my brain is kinda configured for the dragon body. I might be in a human body now, but my brain is still looking for the parts of the dragon body. I don't hate the human body, i don't think it's ugly, wrong, anything... It's just not what i should be in. I'm not saying either that i should have a dragon body. It would just be the best situation for me. It's the body i think would allow me to be do all what i feel the need to do and be what i need to be. An "If everything was perfect, this is what i would be." thing.
I'm repeating maybe a little bit too much that i don't hate the human body, but that's a little bit because of all the people i see saying that they hate it... To tell the truth, i don't like it that much. But it's far from what people say. A lot of people need to stop complaining about it. You don't have wings. I agree. You can't fly. True. But that doesn't meant that you need to stay glued in front of the computer until you grow wings from the radiations of your monitor. The human body might not be like your draconic one, but it still can do a lot of things. Just go outside, inside somewhere else, anywhere... And just try to push it beyond what you usually do. You'll be surprised.
I kinda end up half-proud of being human because of that sometime. "I will crush the puny humans!" ... sure. Come and i'll show you how easy i am to crush. Maybe that's just me too much in a fighting mood, but i can't stand people who stay there doing nothing but say how great their dragon form is compared to the human form is. Or people calling it a pathetically weak shell...
Sometime i almost wonder if i wouldn't want to stay human when some people get their dragon form, just to show them.... Well, i don't really wonder. But it's kinda fun to think about. The kind of thing that makes you smile in the same way as imagining an annoying customer suddently catch on fire.
Hehe... I think i spontaneously changed the direction i was thinking in. I think i already drifted pretty far from where i was originally going. Anyway ...
Anyway, to get back to the dragon thing, i think the problem is: beef stew.
Yup, it's busted alright.
... stupid strongbad.
It's always annoyingly hard to restart your thought in the direction they were going before you broke it with something stupidly pleasing.
Where was i going already... Not sure. But i'll restart from here.
When i really think about it, saying "I am a dragon" out loud was more symbolic than anything. But it kinda locked my mind in... no, that's not really a good word. Changed the direction it was going? Closer. Locked isn't good. I still try to look at it from other points of view. Anyway, from then i really started thinking as "I'm a dragon." and really believed it, instead of not knowing what i am and attempting to justify calling myself a dragon. And it went weirdly easily from there. It kinda removed a lot of thought that were kinda holding me back. Instead of constantly trying to justify feeling like a dragon, i could just feel it. I'm not sure if i'm putting it into word correctly, since just thinking about it brings back memories that someone reading this probably won't have... Just believe me. Major suddent change.
When trying to look at it from the outside, it looks weird... I think it could be too easily seen as "I wanted to be a dragon for so long that i finally forced it into my mind.". But i don't think this is true. I just changed the way i saw things. That changed a lot of other things too... But i think it was more that i changed my definition of dragon to include me than i changed my definition of me to be a dragon.
That makes me think of something else. Some people try to invalidate their or other people's draconity because they are fan of dragons, or have been reading too much stuff involving dragons, or something like that. I think the problem there is once again that it's seen the wrong way. It's probably more that people saw in the dragon something that they felt was missing, or seemed familiar or something like that. Something close happen with people who start with a dragonform like "Draco" and change progressively. A lot of people call them roleplayers or think that they're fake because they didn't have their own dragonform. It's true that a good number of people who say that they are some known dragon are roleplayers or just trying to be that dragon. But i think a lot of people are discovering their dragonform a little bit like a puzzle.
They see a form that has something that fits with them. They're often not really sure what. But something feels right. So they just take the whole dragonform. So someone could see dragonheart and think they're like draco because they feel like a dragon. But as they see other possibilites, they will find parts that fit better, and progressively change their form to something that is really them. Some things will feel right from the start, some will feel wrong and be replaced, and some will always feel wrong. And at the end you will have a really different dragon.
But one thing that is a little bit annoying with that is that some people will get attached to the first form they see themselve as. If someone roleplays a red and yellow version of Draco that they think is their true self, it's going to get really hard to change once everyone knows them like that. But i guess that's unavoidable, if you don't want to wait until you're sure of what you are before doing anything. I think my shyness kinda helped me with that, since nobody ended up knowing me as a dragon that i wasn't just because i wanted to interact in a RP-ish way.
And on the topic of roleplayers/fake, one thing i noticed really often is that they will focus on one of the aspect associated with the form when they're just playing or doing random stuff in chatroom or other places. I don't know how accurate that is, but it seems that a lot of the dragons who are 5000miles long, or always flying , or using firebreath on everything, or always eating humans, or anything else like that are usually really only saying they're dragons because of that thing they like. And they often get sick of it after a while, and since nothing else with being a dragon interested them, they disappear or think we're all insane.
But they don't really matter. And there are also good RPers that try to act as dragon. But they're usually fun, so who cares.
... and i think i'll give sleep another try now. It's almost 5am.
More random thought later maybe.