Jul. 6th, 2010

Random brain to text thingie again...

It's too hot out there to sleep, and i've got a full plate of spaghetti of doom with tons of garlic and onions.

Stuff got me thinking, once again, about the whole mess of life.

Nope, not an emo rant, don't worry about it.

But i've just been thinking about it. I keep seeing all those webcomics, stories, television shows with stories about messed up families, cheating husbands and wives, criminality, addictions, suicide, etc, etc...

When i look at the story of my family itself, i still think it makes a lot of those seem pretty tame. Funny thing is, it's not until i was out of it that i've really been able to take a moment to look back, and well, realise the magnitude of the mess it is.

And yet, i'm not sucidal, i'm not depressive, i don't think i'm even that messed up. I'm just different. I took care of my major glitches on my own, i've done things nobody my age ever did... Hell, i've done things i hear people twice my age dream about eventually being able to do. I've built the room i live in, all the furniture i use, all the machines i use...

... i honestly have no idea what to think of it all!

I feel i should want it all to have been more "normal", but... i don't. I can't see how things would be better from it. Sure, they might have been more "normal" as well, but then i might not have made it this far.

I guess i kinda find it a bit sad to see how much everyone lied to eachother and themselve, but, in a way, it couldn't have really been otherwise.

It still makes me wonder... What would i be if i was more "normal"? If my parents loved eachother and me, would i have still grown with no interest toward any form of affection 'till i wasn't a teenager anymore? Would i actually care about sex 'n all that stuff?

If my father had been around when he could still walk, or if he hadn't gotten multiple sclerosis, would i have still learned to take care of myself like that? Would he have kept me from touching this and that, or fixed my bike for me? Would i still have learned to do all those things by myself?

If we actually had some money, would i still have learned to fix things, and scavenge parts of things for other things? To see things as what they could be instead of what they are...

Would i have been left to imagine all those stories and universes, or would i have been fed pre-made ones?

If all those fights never happened, would i have done like so many other kids and stayed home in front of the TV instead of biking to the other end of the city to play in the wood and fields?

It's funny to think that all that crap is likely what shaped part of what i am now...


That makes me think of something totally different. But yeah...

Something i wonder if it happens to everyone, or if it's just me, or something.

Basically, the best moment in the world. *chuckles*

Stupid name, but that's all what comes to mind for now. But basically...

For me, that's how it goes. First, there's doing stuff. That's the boring part. Then you get better at it, it becomes fun. You push it harder, make it more challenging add some extra here and there to keep things more interesting... It keeps gettign more fun, but at the same time harder and harder, and you need to focus more and more...

Then it gets to a point where it's as if something snapped, things went matrix-y, and you're no longer thinking about what you're doing, but just doing it. It feels as if 100% of your body was dedicated to the task, but at the same time able to do it flawlessly and with ease. Everything is perfectly in sync, everything just flows. There's no other thoughts going on, nothing but that single thing pushed to the limit.

And even more, there's a moment in this where everything seems to slow down, you seem to see everything miles away, hear the slightest sound, pick up every scent, while still being totally focused on the task at hand.

It's... pretty hard to describe, but that's what it is for me.

Ridiculously, that can happen while doing really random stuff, trying to race while climbing rocks, or on bike, or even while computer gaming, or just running around for the hell of it.
Almost always, speed is involved, interestingly.

Maybe it's a zero percent boredom thing?

But yeah, i really wonder if that kind of thing happens to others, or if it's just me being random, or something. It's bugging me a bit, because usually that's a bit what i'm trying to get to when doing a lot of things... Frustratingly, that rarely happens.

It results in a really weird kind of need.

Either way, it is nearly 4am, i should head to bed. I hope the heat went down enough to sleep.



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