Random sleepless thinking.

Whee, another night where i should be sleeping, but am not due to either coffee, or lack of ... well, doing stuff.

Power outage this night at work. Fourth in a few months. Being the only tech in charge, means i`ve got to power everything down safely before i can go home, then get back there in the morning to power everything back up.

Which, considering the power goes out at 11pm, and comes back at 6-7am, means i don't have that long of a night left. But eh, it happens. I'm sort of used to not sleeping much by now.

Good thing is, work is slowly getting more stable and sane, oddly, in a way. I've been there for a year, and basically, every single daily task but one that i was given when i was hired has been either automated or made unnecessary. Whee...

Well, at least the system that automates everything is my own design, and well, i'm the only one who can maintain it, so i'm not putting myself out of work. At least, it gives me time to just mess with other hardware and software, which is rather nice. Good to have, since otherwise this job would, well, suck. I still miss driving forklifts.

On the not quite work side, things are sort of getting together. I'm way broke, but at least the driveway is driveway-like now. And the wall that keeps things from falling into my bedroom is solid. And i'll be able to start working on making my room room-like again, which i really need. My bedroom is still a pile of whatever that i can't use for anything more than ever. To the point where i can't do a damn thing, because everything is blocking everything. I can't setup my network because everywhere i could set it up, i'll need to tear down something to make the room useable again...

And to do that, i need money, which i don't have. So it just sucks. But well, i should be able to start working on that now at least.

Anyway.

Something that's really bugging me right now is, i don't fully know where i'm going. I do have plans for what i'd want to do and such for short or medium term stuff, but well, it's the long term stuff that's the question.

Part of me wants to move out, just get some spot out there an hour or two from the city, where nobody goes, and just have space to mess with projects and such. Which does seem like a good idea, but i'm afraid if i do that, it'll be too quiet to keep me motivated and doing stuff. Especially since i'd be pretty much alone, without anything to really kick me out of bed and get me doing things, and all that.

I'm still sort of considering just moving somewhere in another province, or country, or continent, or anything like that. I just don't know how much things would be better if i did that. Things seem good when visiting, but in the long run, they aren't always that nice. Especially with the current general paranoia and "somebody do something" attitude. I want somewhere with less laws, but without the idiots to mess it up.

Part of the problem also is... Well, it sucks to put it that way, but... When i was younger, it was easy to make huge plans, no limits, nothing. I haven't given up on them, i still want to be a dragon raptor on a spaceship some day, but hell, it's getting harder every day to keep seeing that as possible when looking ahead. Stupid human body with theorically limited lifespan. I feel as if i was already running out of time.

Can never know what the future has in store, but yeah...

Looking at everyone around that i knew as a kid or teen doesn't help. Everyone seems to have fallen into the "usual" life patterns. Got a girlfriend/boyfriend, an apartment, thinking about marriage, house, car, kids, job... All the rest is now "silly stuff from being a kid", no matter how serious it was back then.

Sometime i wonder who's right. Maybe i just don't want to admit i'm defective. But i'd much rather prove them wrong some day. At least, even if i don't reach the stars, i've still went further than quite a few already.

It's interesting how often i realize everyday that most people don't think the same way as i do.

I think that's quite a bit of... well, another problem. I don't know what to do with people...

Same problem as ever, really. I don't really have a problem getting along with people at work, or outside work, or elsewhere, but well, i'm running in "people compatibility" mode.

If i start acting as i want, or saying what i'm really thinking about and such, then i become too weird and strange and random for 'em.

But on the other side, most people when around me seem to act differently a bit when they know me, and well, not act as they normally would on certain topics and such.

Means we get along, yeah, but it`s still in a way an effort, and well, gets tiring after a while.

Annoyingly, seems like i get along better with younger people these days. Which is interesting... Good in a way, since it's relaxing, and nice to not have to control thing so much, but on the other side, there's a certain amount of maturity and well, stability that is lacking.

Where with older people, the stability and sometimes "maturity" is there, but the rest is gone.

It's kinda silly, but i'm slowly starting to hate that 18 and 21 years old thing. It's almost the defined point where people change, and where we drift apart. I've almost stopped caring about people to a point 'cause of that. I'm a good friend 'till they're allowed to start drinking and get into porn and whatever, then i'm just an old friend.

I know i go on often about the drinking and sex thing. Seriously, not that i'm trying to be uber-conservative or something, but ... why? Why is it so often seen as the ultimate thing? That's what really driving me mad lately. It's always brought up as the reward, or the obvious goal, or what's needed.

And of course, i'm not allowed to disagree. That would be wrong and weird and "why are you here again?".

Is it possible to find someone who's not either for, or against, but who just doesn't consider those a part of their world?

What kindof worries me is that part of me sometimes wants to give in just not to feel so much like an outsider. But i know i'd hate myself for it.

Blah...

Weird kind of lonely right now, i guess.

It's annoying, i'm a bit afraid of saying that, because it implies wanting someone, and people always jump to conclusions.

Maybe if i could just clone myself? Haha, if i could, i could just tweak it to be dragony physically as well. Or make my own creatures, muahaha!

... hehe, now i feel all happy again.

Mwarf, anyway...

Maybe the problem could be that people are following patterns, where i try to follow dreams?

They go for the equivalent of what everyone else has, except in the way they see as better, where i just come up with something and go with it.

... i mean, who else uses bluetooth-connected wireless barcode scanners as spy cameras?

Yes, seriously. HHP imagers, with the visual menu software, set to serial port emulation and non-base association enabled. I laughed so hard when i realized that it DOES work.

It's black and white tho. But very high res, and surprisingly fast.

I so want to scare people at some point with that, imagine how may of those are in use all over the planet, and people don't realize they're actually cameras.

... yeah, offtopic. See, that's what scares people too. But i enjoy it.

But yeah, see, that's kindof what feels missing. I feel like i should have someone offline, here to just talk to about random stuff like that, or whatever really. And the freedom to just crash there with 'em, not call it a night and head home.

Because that sucks.

That kindof goes back to being a kid as well, remember when we'd just camp in the backyard and talk about just whatever we could think of, without restricting ourselves to socially acceptable stuff and such.

... and now, i know if i went on saying that offline to pretty much anyone, they'd just see that as "he wants to sleep with someone" and "he needs a girlfriend."

Which loops again. Bleh.

Do people get better at some point? Do they ever get past that stuff?
Or is there somewhere where they are?

Pineapples?

Ever feel like you're being contaminated by music? I know the idea seems a bit strange, but well... Think about how often you make the connection between a few words, a few sounds, and a song.

What if no connection had been made? What if that train of thought hadn't been led to something already existing, but left to go on it's own path?

Or all those thoughts you could have had, while all you had was that stupid song looping over and over and over?

How many people turn anything they try to whistle into "Jingle bells"?

It's like if those were so overused, the paths so grooved in (can i say it like that?) that it's impossible to get out of them without climbing a wall.

Hehe, would be funny to try next christmas, take jingle bells, change a few notes and words, see how much people get bothered by it without realizing it, and how many would.

That makes me think of how often people complain that i'm against change.

I'm against things being replaced. I want both, damnit!

If they change my tomato sauce, it's no longer my tomato sauce. It might be awesome in other ways, which i'll love, but i'll miss my tomato sauce.

It should be simple, blah...

Yes, my macaronis and spaghettis are an important part of my life!

I eat too much fast food lately, but i hate making lunches and can't get myself to do it constantly. I want to convert a van into a mobile kitchen, and just make good food in the parking lot at work.

... i'll give sleep another try now, or i'll just be truely dead tomorrow at work.

I wonder how many people will just go "tl;dr".