[personal profile] pyxaron
Hm, once again I'm thinking too much to be able to get any sleep, so i'll give this a try once again.

Hehe, it's funny, it's been way too long since i've done something like this, and i'm noticing how much better i go at typing now. I can even keep track of when i made a typo, finish my sentence, go back to it and fix it without even needing to open my eyes even once. But that's kinda off topic, even if there's no real topic just yet.

Either way.

Hm, out of randomly being there in bed listening to music, i've noticed one thing... Well, not noticed, but noticed. or something. That's how it made sense to me. It's mostly the lack of so many sounds in music. Not as in, compression removing them or such, but more of a... not being used. I mean, i might just not be listening to the righ stuff, but it's always the same instruments, the same or close enough sounds. Nothing breaking off enough. And nothing just... I don't know, raw. Sounds of things that are not meant to be instruments, without it being the whole "look we do music without instruments " thing. I don't know if i'm making sense, but... Yeah.

I mean, you have drums, why not sometime use sounds of a metal drum, or a plastic drum, as in the big round container thing, being hit on, even with some tweaking to make it sound more regular and useable, but still, not something that is just meant to be used for music an dnothing else. Sounds that can be identified with in everyday's life, kinda.

I'd want to hear that.

Also, silly and maybe cliché-ish for someone who hangs around furs and such, but well, growls and roars and the such, to the extent that it can be used, would be nice. Or just other sounds coming from people singing would be interesting. It's too often in my opinion just lyrics, or lyrics with some synthetic effects added to them. Seems like there's a lot more that could be done with that.

But yeah, once again, might just be me not knowing the right stuff, or the right people for that. It's just bugging me right now.

Also, stupid echo effects. I hate them sometimes.

I don't know, there's something annoyingly unsatisfying with music lately. Not that music changed for me, just what i've been listening to doesn't seem to cut it anymore. And i found myself liking some music from movies more not because of the music alone, but because of those other sounds from the movie in the back, mixed with it. Not that they are really part of the song, but they kinda make things fit together with the picture and becomes more... whole.

This is kinda funny, because when i think of it, that's another strange thing. I have many old songs that i taped off the radio in the 90s, that were totally horrible quality, had bits of other things that you could still hear thru from previous recordings, bad attempts at removing adds, glitches from when the tape got stuck or things like that. Some of those songs i really loved... But then when i got a digital "perfect" mp3, well, there's just so much missing that i don't like it anymore. And being able to hear it clearly made it a bit... less interesting. Things that were kinda blended in the distortion before stuck out, and became annoying.

I guess that's a bit why old records can be fun to listen to.

I don't know if that makes sense to many people.

I guess it's the same with some movies and higher definition now, things are so detailed that you can see all the annoying things you wouldn't be able to notice before. I find it funny still, for many movies i honestly can't see the point of higher resolutions at all, beside those trying to be all eye-candy. It's almost bugging me because it makes it so much harder to get a thing to look right that way, especially for people doing things without much of a budget. But on the other side, i guess digital means it's easier to just use any generic computer to process things and not have to buy/rent/etc expensive specialized gear. Still i'm perfectly happy not having to download a dozen gigabytes of data to watch an hour or two of something, as long as there's enough of the picture for it to be watchable.

Heh, that reminds me, I'm still annoyed by the whole concept of souls and how they're used everywhere all the time, yet i still can't get myself to properly define and well, integrate the stupid thing in my view of the world and everything. It still seems to me like a vague explanation trying to fill a void that isn't even there for me. Yet everyone uses that concept all the time as if it was something proven and well defined and true and all...

But on the other side, people don't even seem to know why they feel what they feel and want what they want. It's silly, and at this point i almost feel like i know some people than they do themselves. makes them so easy to work with in a way too... Knowing which buttons to push, i guess. It's just kinda strange to try to imagine how those people work. I spend an useless amount of time internally figuring out why i want or feel or whatever else. Which works out rather well for me, since the moment i figure out things, it seems like they... I don,t know. Are detached from me, in a way. I don't directly feel things anymore, i just watch the reaction leading to my "internal programming" to me feeling like that. Then i can just tweak it.

it's a bit funny too, because it made me realize how fun it can be to feel things, it's really silly, but it ends up working that way. It's a bit like sandboxing emotions, in a silly way. It's a bit like pushing my own buttons to see just how much it can go on it's own before i just stop it. Weird thing, but... It's useful, and a bit fun. It's like... being able to get really incredibly mad at someone, but actually being just sitting back and watching the character be mad and all, then finally just make said anger vanish when it's done being useful.

I guess the human i play in real life is just more of a character than i thought, and not me.

Or maybe it's the same for a lot of people, i just never have been someone else, so i've never really known it. Or something like that. I guess it probably is, but people don't know how far they're taking it, or are aren't even aware of it.

I guess it's a matter of, do they just switch personality entirely in reaction to different inputs from their surroundings, or do they really have a "work" themselves and "home" themselves... But i guess, with how home-like things at work breaks them, it's more of plain reacting to inputs they get.

Something else that's a bit ridiculous that i've noticed is that i get jealous of some of my own characters sometimes. But of course, in an indirect, "sit back and watch" way, not in a really directly involved way.

I know it's rather silly once more, but well, it does happen, and it bugs me in a bit, because if i did let it go unwatched, it could be rather destructive. I do play some characters that are totally not me. The dragon-raptor me is entirely me, as in, it's meant to be the same "programming" just running in a different form. I "translate" what happens to it in the same way as i "translate" what happens to the human me in the physical work to connect with myself. Those other characters, i don't do that at all. They're proper characters, with a defined "virtual" personality, that is meant to be x or y way, usually meant originally to be just a side-character for a story or just some idea i wanted to try, just to see how i'd handle processing those kinds of thoughts.

But then, annoyingly, many of those end up so popular that i can't help but be jealous of that, and how well-liked they are, and how whenever i sign on with 'em everyone wants to talk to me and all. Mostly because, well, if they weren't my creation, i'd likely hate them outright.

Actually i guess a part of why i do create those characters is to be able to figure out how they think and work, and be able to make sense out of their behavior. And it does work, on the good side. Doesn't mean i necessarily like those people more now, but they seem less... Hm, better way to put it, i can understand them, so i no longer fear their actions because of how unpredictable and unjustifiable they are to me.

But at the same time, it bugs me still to see how people are so... I wouldn't quite know what word to use there, but they just become easy play-things for characters like those. And it makes me see how easy it would be to gt the attention of some people by simply giving up being who i try to be and just becoming what i know works for people. And what i really hate about it is that it feels that all this involves no reconstruction, just discarding parts of myself and simplifying others. Not thinking into things as much. Making everything more direct.

I know that probably won't make sense to many, but meh, i kinda need to have it written down right now. And i know i say that a lot. But it's mostly due to how, well, i try to write generally, but i know what i'm referring to internally when writing those things, and i have no idea how it's relate for anyone else.

I guess one of the biggest questions in life for me is how do others think. When they do, at least. *grins* That's part of why i love computers so much, they're simple to think like. Just a simple process repeated very quickly, instead of a huge blob of processing in an uber-complex way, without a specific beat, and without defined cycles and all.

It's also funny how while thinking about this and writing this, I'm also designing a program to generate live preview of price signs for work. And i'm fully aware of those thoughts running in their own separate process aside from what i'm using to think about and type this.

I wonder how i'd be explaining all this if i hadn't been so much into computers.

Hm, also something else. Graphic design. The kind used for advertising and such.

I've noticed that people seem to really like what i do at work. Ridiculously much, almost. I'd say it's so weird, but it's not, but at the same time it is. Because i find it so ridiculous and... nothing. Just a bunch of lines, curves, gradients, transparent or not shapes, text, some images. It's just a small thing i did between other projects because it wouldn't need much thinking, and i could do better than 72pt bold underline text on a white sheet.

That annoyingly made me see how it really is for a lot of artists, likely. That's not work i'm proud of. The code i write, programs that do something huge for the whole company in a single click, that i'm proud of, i know quite well how clever the trick was, and how much it does every day, and how much it helps. However, people never pay any attention, reactions are along the lines of "was about time". However, that stupid 17x22in poster about some new product, or a sale, everyone comes to tell me how awesome it is, how they love the design. Even the higher ups who never said a word about the entire system i wrote to convert that old console-based text only inventory system to a fully interactive web-based thing, send me a letter to congratulate me for the stupid sign.

And yet, i still think they suck. I made almost zero effort for those signs, i did them in OpenOffice Impress (PowerPoint equivalent), and spent under an hour for each of those things. I can see how pixelated pictures are, how things didn't fully line up right, how this or that didn't print out as it was on screen... But to everyone, it's pure awesome.

It's probably the same as for so many artists who think their stuff sucks, and how that silly sketch that everyone loves is just nothing, and get mad because of that big other picture that nobody comments on, because it just doesn't trigger what makes people react, while technically awesome and all.

Hehe, this is making me notice how this text is actually bugging me a bit even, because i'm using another language, one in which i don't know all the words i'd want to use, and where stopping to search for them would break the flow of thoughts long enough to make me unable to continue.

And of course, i could do better in french, but then most people wouldn't pay attention, and honestly, my french stopped really improving a while ago, due to not really using it much. English is almost everywhere, and where i can still find french, it's often really horribly written, to the point where i can usually find a dozen mistakes... Which is ridiculous considering i technically never even finished high school as far as french goes.

That leads to another thing. Making up words. I love and hate that, in a way. I do that all the time, without even thinking about it. Either by mistake, lack of coffee, or just randomness. i find it neat, especially when i notice that other people seem to adopt them. But i hate when there's almost a committee to decide on the proper new french word that will mean x or y thing. Or when people try to make cheap words using just a literal translation of the parts of a word in another language.

Languages need to follow along with society. If they don't, people will just branch them off into another sub-language that will eventually become the norm, and the official version will become the old thing.

So by making up new words i'm trying to save the language. Ha!

Nah, i don't take it that seriously, but it's still fun to do, and well, when things are a pain in the tail to say, why not make a better way to say them, really.

Growling is an oddly efficient method of communication in the workplace.

Hehehe... That makes me think of all those who kept telling me i'd grow out of it! Ha, take that, i'm still the same weirdo as i was before, just more advanced.

Seriously, it's just sad sometimes to see people, from my point of view. I remember them in elementary school... So many haven't changed either, and too many changed in a boring way. They used to integrate themselves into their favorite cartoon or movie. They do the same, except that now instead of being star wars or jurassic park, it's some boring office/love drama. And so many who just discarded dreams as just being impossible because they're just dreams...

Especially when i hear people go on about how they'd love to visit new york once in their life, or still go to universal / disney / blah. Why not JUST DO IT DAMNIT! It's not far, it's not ever really that expensive, especially not if you pick the right time or know the right people. I know with some other stuff like going to mars or the moon that's not quite doable right now without much effort, but so many silly simple things could be done...

I mean, i've done tons of things that people talk to me about how they'd dream of doing it some day. And then they assume that i'm either kidding, lying, or that i make 250k$/year as computer tech, so that's why.

Everyone seems to assume i'm 30-40 years old too, rawr.

I have to admit, I do have quite a few projects i probably should be just going for and am not, but I'm still far from stuck in the daily routine as much as 'em. I don't think i'd even be able to survive with that much of the same daily. I get two weeks that are the same and i get not only bored, but i seem to just totally forget those weeks because nothing stood out as interesting enough. Then it feels like an horrible waste of two weeks.

I guess that's a bit the way i go with time. Probably is the same with others, but still interesting to say. I really have no notion of time itself, as in, how long i've been somewhere, or the like. But i have a very solid timeline of interesting events, which i can then figure out what was when from.

And right now, i am a bit at one of those point where i'm getting close to being badly in need of doing something that i'd remember. But well, summer is starting, conventions are coming, i MIGHT finally not owe as much to various people anymore... This has potential. *grins*

Sometimes i wish something would just push me over the edge and get me moving in some serious way. Always sitting on that line where it's not bad enough to really feel the need to do something big to solve it all, but not good enough to quite be happy either.

Moving out was a move i should have done a while ago tho. It's only once out that i realize how really toxic things kinda were back at home. Both from an atmosphere, and air quality point of view. Hurts the budget, but it's easier to live when you don't feel like you're living on borrowed space, that your presence is bothering people, and that you're doing something bad by trying to look up while everyone is going down.

I'm honestly a bit afraid of losing that new 'n improved situation, but...

Annoyingly, the majority of the work-related people saw it as "finally moving in the right direction" for the wrong reason. Apparently, being 26 and still in the parent's basement is an horrible thing, and me moving out seem to have been a sign for them that i was "finally going to become a person" and blah. So the seem to assume that I'm going to also buy a brand new car, get a girlfriend, and all that as well. Nope.

Honestly, being that invisible guy in the office has made me realize how horrible some people are when it comes to relationships. What worries me the most with it is that it seems to be the large majority that are like that. They all have that neat little plan to follow, those stages they want to get to at x or y point in life, and how the other has to be. And they speak of their significant others more like they would of a pet they taught tricks to...

What is so important about making your bed. I don't get it at all! Or putting toilet paper on that little holder thingy instead of just beside the toilet.

And they brag about doing this and that subtle thing to leave them guessing that something isn't right, and turning it up until the other realizes what they did wrong and blah. And if they don't get it, it's because they don't love them enough, apparently.

*chuckles* I have trouble seeing them as the supposedly sane one like they want me to.

I want to find someone who's insane in a compatible way. Seriously.

I really wish i could honestly find that sometimes. I don't want someone to settle down with, i want someone to go insane with. I honestly don't care about gender and all that stuff, i really just want to be able to just have someone who I'd trust to go along all the way, and just... do it, really. Almost something like in cartoons and comics and the such so often, nothing complicated involving love and all, just compatibility to go on adventures and travel the world and all without breaking down.

I find it funny how far i can go with that whole "I don't give up" thing sometimes. FC trip being an example, how many people during the whole mess repeatedly told me "i'd just give up if i was you" and "too bad, but what can you do". And still, i f'ing made it! ROAR!

Same with so many things... And people don't stay calm and rational enough when plans break up. They panic, and don't think anymore.

Also, eep, almost 2am, i really should end this.

If you've read the whole thing, I'm honestly impressed.
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pyxaron

July 2011

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